I don't know about you but for me, i do alot of thinking when i'm on public transport.
The long journeys will allow me to reflect on the things i've done and the things that has happened. This time, I'm thinking about how i grew up. I grew up with alot of resentment towards my parents. I remember being extremely hurt, angry, sad and disappointed. My relationship with them, especially my dad was really sour. It was so horrible that there was one point of time that I even ran away from home.
I had a diary and I wrote about how much i hated my parents. I'm an emotional person. Have always been and still am. I always feel better after expressing my thoughts through writing. This silly girl scribbled "I hate mama and papa" repeatedly. I think they read it and I'm sure I made them really heartbroken.
I always felt that I wasn't good enough for my parents. I wasn't a straight As student. I'm not smart. I wasn't anything a perfect daughter would be. I told lies. I stole. I am probably the worst daughter ever. I always felt like no matter what i did, I was ALWAYS the black sheep of my family. Whenever something went wrong in the house, they'd all point to me. My parents imposed many rules on me. They were very, very strict. No sleepovers. No going to your friend's birthday parties. No this. No that. It got on my nerves alot. Everytime i was mischievous, or didn't do well in school, I had punishments.
"No tv for a week."
"Your phone will be confiscated for a month".
"No internet for you".
Being rebellious, the more they punished me, the more hatred i had and the more I didn't feel like pleasing them. "If they wanted me to do well, they would motivate and encourage me, not punish me. Not force stupid punishments on me." That's how I felt.
I wonder if my parents are ever proud of me. I hope they are. I hope one day, they will be proud of me. I feel extremely shitty for being a lousy daughter.
I'm slowly enjoying the scent of freedom.
Bit by bit.
S L O W L Y.
To all the kiddos out there who are facing the same thing as me, know that you are not alone.
Been there, done that.
One day, you'll understand that there's no guidebook to being a parent. They love you. Just that the way they aren't sure how to express it to you. Too nice, and you'll take advantage of them + step on their heads. So they choose to be the evil baddies.
Just for your own good.